Dear Donald,
I never thought I’d write these words, but thank you. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything you’ve done for the Democratic Party in Texas.
You gave us James Talarico in the United States Senate AND a Democratic governor in Texas.
TEXAS, DONALD! FUCKING TEXAS!
The state Republicans have treated like a family heirloom for three decades. The state where Democrats have spent years trying to convince voters that statewide elections are not legally required to end in Republican victories.
And you managed to help Democrats win both major races in one night.
Donald, do you have any idea how difficult that is? Democrats have spent millions of dollars on consultants, polling, focus groups, and strategic planning trying to figure out how to win Texas. You accomplished more for them by being yourself than an entire convention center full of Democratic strategists could accomplish with unlimited catering.
I’m beginning to think you might be the greatest Democratic operative in American history.
And the beautiful thing is that you did it for free! Well, technically, the American taxpayer has been financing your bullshit, but you understand my point.
You spent years telling everybody that Texas was MAGA country. You strutted around like you personally invented the Republican Party. You endorsed candidates, held rallies, insulted people, and treated the entire state like an extension of Mar-a-Lago.
And now Democrats are celebrating a Senate seat AND the governor’s mansion.
I hope somebody checked on Ted Cruz. That man has probably already booked a flight to Cancún, and this time I wouldn’t blame him.
And JD Vance? Somebody please explain to him that when Daddy loses Texas, the appropriate response is not to get on television and tell everybody how brilliantly the election went.
Donald, you have accomplished something extraordinary. You managed to turn Texas blue without ever understanding what the word blue means outside of the color of your suits.
I’m sure you’ll blame voter fraud. You’ll demand investigations. You’ll claim the voting machines were manufactured in Venezuela, programmed in China, and delivered to Houston by Barack Obama riding a stolen golf cart.
But before you begin your traditional post-election tantrum, I want you to know how much I appreciate your contribution.
You promised to make America great again. Instead, you helped make Texas competitive enough to elect Democrats to both the Senate and the governor’s mansion.
I cannot thank you enough.
Please continue giving speeches. Continue insulting voters. Continue endorsing candidates whose primary qualification is their willingness to compliment you on television. And whatever you do, please never listen to a political adviser who suggests you should shut the fuck up.
Your mouth is doing more for Democratic fundraising than ActBlue.
With deepest gratitude and absolutely no sympathy,
Professor Ealy
P.S. Donald, if you manage to lose Florida next, I’ll personally nominate you for Democratic National Committee chairman. You already have more experience destroying Republican campaigns than anybody on their payroll.
P.P.S. THANK YOU FOR TEXAS, YOU ORANGE JACKASS! 😂
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