The other week, when I wrote about women making the first move, an interesting sub-conversation happened within the 300-plus comments. Assuming a man met the bar of “attractive enough” in the first place, women preferred men who took initiative, and in some cases, aggressively pursued them. And yet, another seemingly contradictory stereotype exists about female sexuality: that we want what we can’t have, and are actually turned on by mysterious aloof men who do not make their interest obvious.
Part of this contradiction is that women are different, or that a man who is less interested in a woman, by default, is probably just more attractive to begin with (he’s less interested because he’s out of her league, many such cases!) But I actually think this contradiction exists within men as well. How many men say, “I just wish women would tell me they like me and stop playing games!” yet call a woman “clingy” when she texts him too often? (Don’t tell me this never happens—it’s happened to me multiple times, often with a guy who was initially very interested!) This is a less gendered phenomenon than we might think. People enjoy being pursued (or at least having the other party show clear interest) and some people even enjoy very aggressive pursuits, but if a person seems eager or anxious, it’s a turnoff.
This phenomenon is also not limited to dating! People enjoy when potential friends ask to hang out, and when there’s reciprocal effort to meet up and maintain the friendship. But sometimes, a friend will be…just a little too available, a little too eager, and some degree of platonic ick emerges.
So what the hell is going on? Where is the line? After studying this phenomenon for many years of my life, I am prepared to make a generalization: people like when people make them feel good about themselves, whether it’s for dating or friendship. And if someone seems like they really want to hang out with you because they have nothing else going on, it’s not flattering.
People want to feel like the first choice for a winner. They do not want to feel like the last resort for a loser.
BTW: I’m running a 30% off sale on annual subscriptions for the next week! (Even at my regular prices, I have some of the lowest $-for-article volume pricing on Substack, but a summer sale can’t hurt.)
