How tall are you? How much do you weigh? How much money do you make? How old are you? How pretty or handsome are you?
How tall are you? How much do you weigh? How much money do you make? How old are you? How pretty or handsome are you?
No matter what your answers to these questions are, there will probably be billions of people in this world who are taller, slimmer, richer, younger, and more handsome than you; there will be billions of people who are shorter, heavier, poorer, older, and less handsome than you. After all, there are 8.2 billion people in this world.
What meaning can there be in measuring yourself against someone else? What exactly is gained by comparing yourself to another person?
Yet this is what we are constantly engaged in: comparing ourselves with others. Not only do we compare ourselves to people we know, we compare ourselves to people we don’t know, whom we have never met and probably never will.
We have seen people driving dangerously trying to prove that they can drive faster than someone who just overtook them. They don’t know who overtook them. They have never met them and probably never will. It doesn’t matter. They would risk an accident just to prove to a total stranger that they are faster.
We have observed people going to a party in expensive outfits they cannot afford to impress strangers.
We have come across people who become unhappy when they learn they earn less than colleagues, even though they were happy with their salaries the day before.
We have watched people who go on holiday to a foreign country buying brand‑new clothes, presumably to impress people they have never met and probably never will.
We have known people to become unhappy with their wealth when they learn they are not as wealthy as their friends.
It is understandable if what you earn is meagre, you are unhappy about it, and want to earn more. But what meaning can be found in becoming unhappy when you have enough, but others earn more?
What we can use is what we have: our health, our wealth, and our possessions. And yet we make ourselves unhappy because others have more and make ourselves happy because others have less. What others have has no bearing on us and yet somehow we use those measures to make ourselves happy or unhappy, mostly unhappy.
Most of us have enough. But we become unhappy when we see what others have. It is strange that, even when we have all we need to be happy, we make ourselves unhappy because someone else has more.
How do we get out of this trap? Here are some Stoic suggestions.
Nature does not create things to be the same. Among animals, some are lions, some are dogs. Among plants, some are trees, some are bushes. Among flowers, some are red, some are yellow. Among fish, some are sharks, some are guppies. So it is with humans. Some are tall, some are short, some are born strong, some are born weak, some are born wealthy, and some are born poor. It is the nature of things.
A willow does not feel depressed because it is not an oak tree. A dog does not mope because it was not born a lion. Their excellence comes from being a good willow or a good dog. A willow will not succeed if it tries to be an oak. Neither will a dog become a better animal by trying to become a lion.
What belongs to another is not ours; why should we envy it? - Seneca,Moral Letters, 9
When we envy what others have, we miss the opportunity to achieve excellence, as we are. Our excellence does not depend on what others have. Epictetus achieved excellence while being lame and poor. Helen Keller achieved excellence while being deaf and blind. We can achieve excellence with what we have. Craving what others have distracts us from achieving excellence.
True happiness is a matter of right choice: it is not in the abundance of goods, but in the good use we make of them. - Seneca, On the Happy Life, 28.6
We should make use of what is given to us. Our excellence rests with us and not with others. What others have is none of our concern.
How about people who are no different from us and yet have everything now? Shouldn’t we envy them? Should we aspire to have what they have?
What we see is what others have. What we don’t see is the price they paid to get what they have. Do you know what price they paid? Are you willing to pay the same price? Someone who has more money than you may have compromised their health. Or given up family time to make money. Or they may have debased themselves by being subservient to someone else. If the price is tranquillity, dignity, and freedom, are you willing to pay it?
People are not aware that they pay a price for everything they get. They think they get it for nothing. But what is the price? Tranquillity, freedom, peace of mind. . . . - Epictetus,Discourses, 2.6
When you want to be like someone, let us first think about the price we may have to pay to be like that person. Before envying them, let us ask ourselves whether we are prepared to pay that price.
When you want to buy many fields, consider at what price you buy them. . . . ‘I will buy it at such and such a price.’ But consider that you are paying for it not with money alone, but with your freedom, your peace, your tranquillity. - Epictetus,Discourses, 2.6
Just as a mighty oak does not diminish the beauty of a willow, just as a fierce lion does not diminish the docile cow, what others possess does not diminish us. A willow attains its excellence by being flexible and not by trying to be strong like an oak tree. A cow gets its excellence from being able to provide milk and do other labour, and not by trying to be the king of the jungle. What we need to realize is that if someone is better than us in many ways and has things we don’t, it does not diminish us in any way.
When you look at another one’s life, remember that the good in his life does not diminish the good in yours, nor does it take anything away from you. Admire it, yes, but do not covet it. - Marcus Aurelius,Meditations, 6.16
Since our character comes from us, it is irrelevant what others have. We know this. Then why do we have this urge to want what others have? This urge to want what others have comes from a sense of poverty, a feeling that whatever we have falls short if someone else has more of it. We are not poor, but when we compare ourselves to someone who has more, we feel poor. The same with all other things.
Why do we envy others? Their good fortune does not make us poor, nor does our virtue grow less because another’s grows. Envy gnaws at us alone, while they remain untouched. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 56
Instead of spending our time trying to catch up with others, we can spend our time on what we need. Instead of envying others, if we spend our time building our character, our lives will be well‑lived.
Let us cease to desire what others have, and let us labour for what we need. The happy life depends on our own judgments; it is ruined not by fortune’s blows but by our own faults. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 99
Suppose you are in a restaurant. You choose an item from the menu and place your order. Then you notice someone at a neighbouring table ordering something else. Would you feel deprived if they ordered a different dish? You ordered what you wanted to eat, and the person ordered what they wanted to eat.
We don’t apply the same logic when we desire what others have. We fail to consider that the people we envy may hold values different from ours. What brings them pleasure may not bring us as much pleasure, even if we get what they have. Our envy clouds our judgment, and we fail to see that abundance of things will not bring us happiness.
True happiness is a matter of right choice: it is not in the abundance of goods, but in the good use we make of them. Follow reason, not the crowd. - Seneca,On the Happy Life, 28.6
Even if we get what others have, it will not make us happy if it is not aligned with our values. People who envy others will continue to envy them even if they get what they now crave.
We compare ourselves with others and crave what they have, even when we have all that we need. This makes us unhappy. We can avoid this by reminding ourselves,
Our excellence comes from us, not from others.
When we envy others, we only see what they have; we don’t see the price tag.
What others have cannot diminish us.
What we have is enough for us. Others have what they have because they value different things than we do.
Today, whenever you notice envy or comparison arising, write down:
Who or what you’re comparing yourself to
(e.g., “My friend who just bought a new car,” “The YouTuber with 100K subscribers”)What they have that you don’t
(money, looks, status, followers, possessions, etc.)The price do you imagine they paid for it
(stress, long hours, fewer family moments, moral compromise, health costs, constant hustling, social media pressure, etc.)Whether you are genuinely willing to pay that price
( “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe.”?)
Do this for every comparison that pops up that day. By the end of the day, you may notice that you aren’t really willing to pay the hidden price.
Then, do a personal inventory,
List three things you already havethat are enough for a good life today
(health, a skill, steady work, a home, basic safety, people who care, time, freedom to choose how you spend your day, etc.)Then list one thing you can do with those resourcesto develop character and build excellence.
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